HALF-NAKED TRUTH

Summer is upon us and that means the dreaded swimsuit season has begun.  As we all crash course cleanse, diet and exercise in a last ditch effort to be comfortable in a swimsuit, I think it's important to publicly embrace the fact that girrrl, that ain't never gonna happen.  I am aware that I am a petite gal but don't pshhh this post just yet because the naked truth about getting half-naked in public is, no matter what shape or size you are, it always sucks.

We wanna be all... yasss bitch!

We wanna be all... yasss bitch!

But really, we're all... hell nahhh!

But really, we're all... hell nahhh!

To the tiny handful of women-- whom, if they exist, I've never personally encountered-- that actually enjoy wearing a swimsuit come summer, I applaud you and hope you still have friends after being constantly hungry and working yourselves to the bone at the gym for the other 9 months of the year because I sure as hell wouldn't. (Hanger is real, people.)  I eat pretty good over half the time, get my sweat on a couple times a week and am lucky to have been born with a decent metabolism but like every woman, I can poke holes in my physique all day long.  Even at the times in my life that I am most confident in my body whilst wearing clothes, I still strongly dislike wearing a bathing suit plain and simple.

This year, I've taken it upon myself to figure that shit out because it is insanely hot where I live.  Like 120 degrees, trees burning down, electricity stopping hot.  So, finding a way to be okay in a swimsuit is basically a means of survival at this point.  Unfortunately, I'm not sure figuring it out is going to come in the form of some zen meditation or Girls-power enlightenment so instead I am hunting the perfect bathing suits to camouflage, hide and strengthen my assets.  Like, I said... survival-mode.  

I personally, have next to nil in the boobage department, which I'm perfectly cool with most days.  But then there are the days when I'm bloated or honoring my Italian heritage the only way I know how...with impressive consumption of bread, cured meats and cheeses... and on those days, my tummy can appear to protrude further from my body than my chest.  As you can imagine, I don't feel so cute having all that on display in a bathing suit.  Enter my discovery of swimsuits that flatter your problem areas and the closest thing to comfort I've felt in a bathing suit since I was a wee one.  

In my case, ruffles up top give the illusion of volume that I naturally lack thus making my tummy appear flatter than it may just be at that given time.

Small Chest

Small Chest

If you've got the opposite issue and want to flatter and tame a large boobage situation, retro-style halter and underwire bikini tops do the job and look super sexy.  One pieces with hidden support are an epic way to achieve a killer Baywatch Babe look.

Large Chest

Large Chest

One pieces are obviously more comfort-zone happy than bikinis but can be SUPER unflattering.  Once pieces with strategically placed cutouts and/or busy optical illusion-like prints can divert the eye away from what you don't want it honing in on... your belly pooch.

Tummy Camo

Tummy Camo

Move a little south of the border and you may stumble upon another common problem area we ladies like to camouflage... thighs. It may sound ridiculous but skirtinis are actually super cute, when done right.  By right I mean a very small skirt that is more of an embellishment than a straight up mid-thigh skirt.  If you're gonna do that, you may as well commit a cover up or whack on a plastic visor and a Universal Studios fanny pack and for the love of Weezy, please hang out at a different beach than me.  The skirtinis below add just enough oomph to downplay the size of yo thighs whilst remaining flattering and on-trend.

Thigh Camo

Thigh Camo

Lastly, there is the area on the flipside that I've totally disregarded in the past as something to consider when hunting for a flattering swimsuit until the Kardashian clan brought the J-Lo butt craze back to life. If you've got a flat booty and want to amplify the junk in your trunk, look for a ruched tush, ruffles and/or added fabric embellishments like the adorable bow-butt below.

Flat Booty

Flat Booty

If you've already got booty for days, the most flattering on-trend options are high-waisted full coverage bottoms that go with that 50s retro vibe I love or growing some figurative balls and rocking a high-cut one piece. They're remaking Baywatch for a reason.  That Pam Anderson booty pride is hot again so my vote's for: flaunt it if you got it!

Full Booty

Full Booty

Overall, if you're looking to minimize your curves, use optical illusion prints, strategic cutouts and forgiving wrapping and ruching to camouflage and conceal.

Minimize Curves

Minimize Curves

On the other hand, if you're looking to enhance and embrace your curves, ruffles and 50's silhouettes are your summertime best friends!

Enhance Curves

Enhance Curves

Hope these tips and trick help you feel even the slightest bit more at ease when embarking on your summer swimsuit shop this year!